“We fall down, to get back up”

There are good days, great days, and really dark days. There are no “okay, so this day kinda sucks” days. Flipping into a manic state is, well, it’s not pretty.

It’s like a disease without a cure, it’s not my fault I have the disease, there is nothing I could have done to prevent it or stop it. It’s just the way I was born and I’m okay with that now. I’m okay with taking a handful of tiny little pills each night if it means I can get through each day successfully without any trouble. 

But what happens when the most important of those pills runs out and there isn’t a refill  or doctor available for x days or longer?

That my friend is when the storm comes rumbling in. 

It starts with the nightmares, the uncontrollable nightmares and sleepless nights. Then the days drag on as each horrible thought about betrayal and abandonment fill my time. Once that manic state is at an all time high, the anger consumes me, the hurt, all the pain and lack of trust and support. Soon a raging monster is unleashed into our peaceful home and when the dust has settled you can find me once again in tears cleaning up the shattered glass as I apologize to those who love me.

I fall down and I fall hard. I keep going though. I dust off my wounded knees and get back up. 

One thought on “falling down

  1. I may not feel what you are feeling, and may not always understand. I just wish I had a magic wand that would take it away. I pray that you have better days, and wonderful nights. If I could take those struggles for you, I would. Remember this, God loves you no matter what, he always will, and so will I. I know this, you’ve got great courage for posting. There are many people suffering, feeling ashamed and thinking they are alone. Thank you for sharing. I’m so proud of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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